


Lonely Lincoln Nights

by ashandcas (ashriddle4)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Phone Sex, casturbation, casturbation in the lincoln, post 10x14, sad smut i don't even know anymore guys, season 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 05:51:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3435815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashriddle4/pseuds/ashandcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas has trouble denying his feelings for Dean. He can never tell Dean, but he has his very own car, a bottle of lube and an imagination.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lonely Lincoln Nights

Cas pulls off to the side of the road. Itchy, tingly, restless. With Hannah gone and Claire too, it’s easy to do this again. To slip back into it. It wouldn’t be something he’d care one way or another about – morally, ethically, physically – if in the end it wasn’t accompanied by the kind of loneliness that aches in his bones. Still, the heat builds up until he can no longer deny himself, leftover remnants of his former humanity.

He switches off the Lincoln’s lights, leans back the driver’s seat and pulls out a tiny blue bottle he keeps hidden in a brown paper sack in the glove compartment.

Cas types in the password on his phone and opens up Safari. He once looked up if the person paying for cell phone service (Dean) could see what Cas looked up on the internet. Apparently not _really,_ Sam could probably figure it out, but it’s not like either Sam or Dean care what Cas does on his phone. Still, it worries him sometimes because Cas thinks if he’s outed about his attraction to men then Dean will _know_ about the other feelings Cas has. Cas couldn’t survive the embarrassment of the rejection he’s imagined a thousand times.

Cas scrolls through his history and finds a video he found particularly pleasing the other day. He tries not to think too hard, about who the men in the video really are, about how they’re paid to be there, how they don’t _love_ each other. He wants to pretend they do. He spends too much of his life pretending love grows where it does not, but he can’t bring himself to care right now.

Cas unbuttons his pants and slides down his light green boxer-briefs. Jimmy had worn plain white cotton boxers, but during his time as a human, Cas found them overly bulky and scratchy, so he’d switched to this much softer, snugger kind. It was so simple, so human, but he enjoyed the way he felt even as an angel (or whatever facsimile of one he was now).

Cas pours a drop of lube on his fingers and wraps his hand around his half-erect cock. He balances his phone in his left hand and keeps his eyes on the scene in front of him, but the sounds and movements of these two men just aren’t doing it for Cas. He hates nights like this because he tries not to walk this path, but how can he not travel down it? When he wants like this, when he’s lonely like this?

Cas drops his phone carelessly, letting it slide through his hands and tumble between the seat and the door. He shuts his eyes and imagines green eyes looking at his, calloused hands running over his skin, pinching at his nipples, squeezing his erection. He imagines Dean leaning over him and placing kisses on his mouth, his ears, his neck.

Cas thrusts harder, at full hardness now, as these images play through his mind – as he imagines the words _yes, Cas. You feel so good. Touch me. Kiss me. I want you. Always wanted you –_ in Dean’s voice.

Cas is close, so close, he starts sliding his finger over his balls, the gentle touch of the hair there causing a rush of tingles through his body. He pours a little more lube there and then presses his pointer fingers against his rim and inside himself. This is Cas’s favorite part. Pretending Dean is inside him, touching him in a way he’s never been touched by anyone but himself. He wants Dean there, wants Dean to press inside him. Cas wants to be as close with Dean as he can be.

 _“_ Dean. God, Dean. Yes, yes. Harder. Fuck me, Dean.”

(He’s watched a lot of porn recently. He’s picked up a few things.)

Cas touches himself and it’s hard and slippery and he’s arching into it, pretending it’s Dean, aching with the desire to see Dean like this, for Dean to see him too, at his most private, most vulnerable.

“Dean!” he shouts one more time and dizzy pleasure pulses through him as he comes all over his hand, fingers still deep and stretching inside him.

He reaches for a tissue and wipes his hands off. Cas’s phone rings, making his heart jump, as he’s still coming down from the high, still feeling it enough to keep out of the eventual crash of sadness.

He looks at the name on his phone. “Dean”.

Cas tenses. Dean rarely calls him anymore, rarely texts him. Cas speaks to Sam often, and about almost anything, but it’s no longer easy with Dean and it’s Cas’s fault. He understands his feelings now – his romantic, sexual unrequited feelings and if he’s with Dean too long he’ll surely give himself away. Still, it could be an emergency so Cas answers his phone.

“Everything all right, Dean?”

There’s no immediate answer.

“Dean?”

This time Cas hears something. It’s low and grumbly, breathy. Cas starts to sweat.

He can hear it now, the slide of skin against wet flesh. It’s Dean… Dean is? It can’t possibly be, but it also – it is. He’s done it enough to know what it sounds like.

“Wanna fuck you, Cas. Wanted to for so long.”

Cas lights up, every inch of him beautifully scorched at Dean’s admission.

“Oh, God, Dean.”

“You want that? You want me to?”

 _Yes, yes. Dean. More than anything. Forever._ Cas thinks, but can’t manage to speal.

“I can’t, Cas. I can’t.”

Cas disintegrates at the words. _Wanna fuck you, Cas_ those words were just a cruel joke and one he deserves. Cas doesn’t know what to say or how to. He just whimpers.

“Not good enough for you. Deserve so much better, Cas. Better than me.”

 _Wait, what?_ He can’t let Dean thinks that.

“No, Dean. You’re good so good. I don’t deserve you. I betrayed you, I didn’t trust you, you told me you needed me and I left. How could I have done that, how could I have-“

“I don’t care, Cas. I forgive you.”

Dean’s still touching himself. Cas can hear it. “Shouldn’t have made you leave. That’s when everything went wrong. When I said you couldn’t stay. Biggest mistake of my life.”

“I forgive you, Dean.”

“ _Cas,”_ Dean growls his name, low and broken and exquisite. Cas hadn’t even the noticed the tears that had fallen from his eyes until they pool in his lips, bitter and salty.

“I’m coming,” Dean whispers.

“That’s good, Dean. Come. Please come.”

Dean shouts, and Cas knows that’s it because it’s the most beautiful sound he’s heard in his entire existence.

“When we get through this, the mark, your grace,” Dean whispers. “we’ll be together.”

Cas wants to be with Dean now. He wants to turn the Lincoln around and fall into his Dean’s bed and never crawl out of it again, but he knows what Dean means.

They’re not going to get through this. There’s no way to cure the mark, no way to fix Cas’s grace. They’re dying. They both are – and being together will just make letting go harder.

“I’ll wait for you,” Cas promises, and he will, he’ll find Dean, long after they’re both torn from this world, wherever Dean’s soul is taken, Cas’s soul will find his and yes, they will be together.

 

 


End file.
